One of the many things about the dawn of a new year that other people seem to enjoy and I actively dread (Dry January, New Year’s resolutions, yet another annual reminder of the cruel and unrelenting passage of time, etc.) is the pressure to come up with cute little “predictions” about what said year will bring. Frankly, I have no idea what’s going to happen this year, and if the 26 previous ones I’ve spent on this planet are any indication, I probably don’t want to! Back in December, when 2024 “in/out” lists started flooding social media feeds with trend forecasts, I was hiding out like, “Sorry, I don’t have any predictions to share because I have chosen to shroud myself in a delusional haze in order to ignore the horrors that await, thanks!” Unfortunately, it would seem that one sneaky little prognostication has managed to shimmy through my veil of willful ignorance, leaving one single square on my 2024 bingo card filled in: mustaches, baby. More specifically, being horny for them.
That’s right—the only future trend that I can confidently foretell unto the masses is that every woman you know (yes, including you) is either absolutely dying to ride a hot man’s mustache into the damn sunset right now or just doesn’t know it yet. Hello and welcome to the year of the ’stache.
I know, I know. For most of our Gen Z/millennial lives, the mustache has been the exclusive domain of weird uncles, seedy ’70s porn guys, and my dad looking like an absolute creep in his circa 1985 wedding photos (sorry, Dad). But listen, a facial hair pendulum swing is upon us and I’m afraid that like our mothers before us, we now have no choice but to lust after the likes of Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
The evidence? To be honest with you, it’s just a feeling I’ve got—but trust, this Pisces intuition is never wrong about a horniness vibe shift. That said, unlike most things I like to write about, this one isn’t even about me! I don’t even like a mustache! (Except, of course, on perennial daddy Father Selleck, who is now and forever shall be a damn babe. Sorry, our moms were right about that one.) Personally, I’ve always preferred my men clean-shaven so I don’t get beard burn on my—um, face.
At least, I didn’t think I liked a mustache until recently, that is. What can I say? There’s simply something in the air. And that thing, friends, is a whiff of the full-blown mustache mania to come. Just trust me: By this summer, every man you match with on Hinge will be rocking a ’stache, and you won’t hate it.
But don’t take it from me. Take it from our good friends at the New York Times, where, last year, the Paper of Record itself declared that the mustache is officially “enjoying one of its periodic renaissances.” Translation? Hot guys have mustaches right now, and by the transitive property of sex appeal, that means that hot girls want to get up close and real personal with those on-trend upper lips. These are just facts.
Still don’t believe me? Then kindly feast thine eyes on this sampler of horny social media posts I’ve collected from around the internet in which women are, well, pretty much feral for pornstaches.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: Could this recent mustache-aissance have anything to do with a certain Golden Retriever Boyfriend to the stars, who can frequently be found sporting a ’stached look that has reportedly (and, like, maybe kind of problematically?) been named “El Travador” on football fields near you? I mean, yeah, quite possibly! Or has this thing been brewing since summer 2022, when Miles Teller stunned with a ’stache in Top Gun? Also probably yes!
But listen, the when and the why of it all doesn’t really matter. What matters is if you have yet to fall for the power of the ’stache, you are probably mere weeks, if not days, away from doing so. Again, you don’t have to like it—I am simply reporting the facts here. So I suggest you do yourself a favor and lock down a fluffy pornstache to keep you warm this winter before supplies runs out and you have to settle for a patchy beard. You’ve been warned.
